‘CATCH!!’ said Cancer 

Just when things settle down and the future you’ve always dreamed of, craved even, is just millimetres from your outstretched fingertips, life throws one hell of a curve ball. I don’t just mean a little hiccup or minor bump in the road, I’m talking CATCH! as quickly as the word sounds, a forceful chest pass, ball-on-fire type curve ball.

I wasn’t ready.

We’ve been so tired. Three young boys, a house to run, bills to pay, Autism to battle and everything in between. I failed to notice it, the general slowing down, the overwhelming tiredness and irritability. I put it down to stress, to the kids playing up, to money worries…

Not cancer.

A week ago, it was confirmed that Joe merely 26 like me, has a tumour in his liver. A week ago, my world came crashing down around me, all those long and confusing words crashing like waves against my heart.

Cancer is like playing in a game of dodgeball but you’re blind folded and your hands are tied.

It doesn’t play fair.

How is it fair that someone who never drinks alcohol gets liver cancer? How is it fair that those who drink and destroy their liver are offered the new liver because they have a better chance for a full recovery?

How is it fair that a man who always works hard to provide for his family is struck down with such luck, while those who take their health and the love of those around them forgranted walk free, unharmed?

Somehow, we’ve floated through the week, through all the hospital trips, appointments and surgery. I’ve cried more tears than I have thought humanly possible, not slept, struggled to eat, all while trying to keep life as normal as possible for the boys. My heart is constantly in my mouth and my stomach is continually churning. The heaviness in my chest is suffocating. I can’t breathe. I’d do anything to make it all go away.

I’m exhausted.

My heart hurts. For him, for our children.

Like a ripple in a pond, cancer hurts not only those it touches but everyone around them too. I feel powerless.

Utterly helpless.

Everybody always tells me ‘your so strong!’

You know what life? What if I’ve had enough of being strong! What if I am sick to the back teeth of holding it together. What if I am tired of jumping your hurdles! We are good, honest, kind, hardworking people.

Why can’t we just be left alone to enjoy the life we’d always planned together.

I have learnt how to be strong for myself. I am naturally strong for my children, but he is my weakness. That curve ball came and hit me right where it hurts.

I don’t know how to be strong for the one who has always given me strength.

Cancer had a different meaning to me a week ago. It was stories you heard on social media, advertisements you saw on TV, a horrible horrible illness with horendous consequences for people. Other people, not us.

People. Are we not just that?

You hear phrases like it all the time…

‘Cancer doesn’t scare me’

But now it’s real.

‘I never thought it would ever happen to us.’

Mummy Times Two

About the Author

Posted by

Mum of three young boys. Sharing our family journey to an Autism and ADHD diagnosis.

Categories:

Cancer, Family

20 Comments

I don’t know why this is happening to you all, I wish I could say something to make it all better but I don’t think anything will but if you do think of anything I can do, please please please do let me know. Sending love to you all xxxx

Liked by 1 person

Sorry u are having to carry this. Last summer my beautiful daughter (31) was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer. There followed a chemo programme, pain,trauma,hair loss,nightmare. Like u I had to contain my own hell. I remember little else about DAT period. One day at a time,often one moment so DAT I could “be der” as I promised her I would b. Now,she has come through and has has full remission. Her hair has started to grow back. I am gathering myself. Autism kept me focused in a strange way. I hope deeply that u will b gentle wit itself. I hope your dearest will also come through this. Sounds cheesy but love got m through. Hugs to you.

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You can and will get through this. Let others support you and take every bit of help that gets offered to you. You will have days where life seems cruel, where you will cry non stop, you will get mad and angry. That’s ok! Because even if you don’t want to be strong and feel that you are not strong enough to carry on, you will!
I was diagnosed last May, I have had 5 and a half weeks chemo and radiotherapy, 2 surgeries, 7 weeks in hospital and a weeks in with an infection . My last scan showed no cancer cells and the tumour plus lymph nodes that were taken were cancer free too.
I had to learn to walk again and have just gone back to work I have also just started up running.
Keep a smile on your face and keep positive xx

Liked by 1 person

Cancer just doesn’t care, My friends little boy had cancer at just two years old. My Mum was given a prognosis of months but lasted only weeks. Cancer is evil and the only thing you can do when it strikes you is fight. Sending you strength, love and big hugs. I hate cancer and I hope it doesn’t stay in your lives for long. xx

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My second attempt at writing a message to you! Well I guess our lives have been pretty similar to some extent. Fifteen years ago I was diagnosed with a Malignant Melanoma when I was in my 20s. At the time, people weren’t really sunsmart and even me, I thought that it would be a simple removal of the thing and then life moves on. I was one of the lucky ones as due to the size it was, strictly speaking I shouldn’t be here. I had a great team around me and I am so thankful for our brilliant NHS. I do believe that mind over matter works to some extent and they promoted positive thinking which in my mind helped.

I met and married my husband and we had Joseph who was born early and had a number of minor health problems but we were in and out of hospital with allsorts. Reflux was the medical problem that could have tipped me over the edge. I had a few health problems myself and then once all this was resolved Joseph was diagnosed with autism. I felt like one thing after another and my marriage just didn’t make it.

I am sending you a great amount of strength and positive thought and wishing you all the best. You WILL get through this.

#PostsFromTheHeart

Liked by 1 person

Thank you so much for your kind words. They really do help soothe an aching heart. I wish you all the very best and I hope you are in better health these days. Sending you and your family all our love from one Autism Mumma to another ❤ xx

Liked by 1 person

You are so brave to write this so soon, when everything has been turned upside down. I really don’t know what to say…apart from I hope you have lots of people around you x #postsfromtheheart

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My thoughts are with you. Cancer has played ‘catch’ in our family too. It’s sucks. I could say ‘stay strong’ and ‘hope for the best’ bht end of the day all I can really say is here’s a big virtual hug x

Liked by 1 person

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